The Letter

My family has been through a lot in the last 4 months. Hannah had a major reconstructive surgery in New York City, my grandfather passed away just a few days after the surgery, and then my sister-in-law and brother were in a tragic car accident that left my sister-in-law fighting for her life. It has been one wild ride, but there has been beauty in it, too.

A few weeks before the surgery my grandfather called me to thank me for a gift and to let me know he was praying for Hannah. He was also scheduled for surgery, and he talked about it like it really wasn't a big deal. But, it was a big deal, especially for a man his age and in his condition. He never left the hospital after that surgery. His heart failed.

My grandfather gave a Bible and a personal letter to each of my children. This is a treasure that we will keep and give to our children when they turn 18. What a special keepsake to read the words from your great grandfather, a man who lived a long life, and chances are you don't have a memory of. This man loved them, but most likely, they won't remember him because they were so young. We adopted Hannah in April 2013, and he had not yet given us a Bible for her. During our last phone call he did tell me that he had her Bible and her letter and would give it to me soon.

He was not able to give it to us. I left Hannah in the ICU with my mother in law, recovering from her surgery, and went to his funeral. At the funeral, they talked about how he read his Bible daily, and he didn't underline the verses that were meaningful, he put blocks around them. They shared some of his favorites.

After the funeral, my grandmother gave me Hannah's Bible and told me not to read the letter now. Well, I didn't listen, and I read it.

4-30-14

My Dear Great Granddaughter, 

I'm sitting in my home thinking what I want to tell you. We did not know each other very well living so far apart, however I wanted to let you know you're loved by all. As I sit here I am tired of so much rain and little sun. If you're reading this, then I have passed on. However, don't feel bad as I'm in Heaven under the custody of our Lord Jesus Christ. Hannah, I have underlined some verses in your Bible that mean so much to me and maybe you may find them helpful in your life. Many things have happened since I wrote this note to you. If the Lord _____ much longer there will be much more to happen. For this reason, keep your eyes on Jesus and he will keep you through problems. Hannah, trust the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding and He will direct your path. Hannah Faith, please, I love you, and need you to follow Jesus and we will make each other happy.

-Great Grumps
{Grandpa's handwriting is hard to read! I couldn't make out one of his words. :)}

Oh goodness, reading those words after burying my grandfather was almost too much. The magnitude of it all just really struck me. My daughter, who was an orphan just 14 months ago, had a great grandfather who prayed for her and wanted nothing more than for her to follow Jesus. I left a funeral home where so many people were crying, yet his words say "don't feel bad, as I'm in Heaven under the custody of our Lord Jesus Christ." It was such a powerful moment for me and a precious reminder. This life is not all we have. We are going to have problems and heartache and sorrow, but there is a beautiful prize waiting for us at the end.

In the last few weeks, we had some discouraging news regarding Hannah's remaining kidney. It is sometimes hard to NOT think about the future and what it holds and to be overcome with fear. I have to remind myself that this a journey made to take one day a time. If I worry too much about the future, I'm going to miss the present. Right now, my daughter is healthy and strong. She is growing. She spends her days laughing and running around with her siblings, who love her dearly. She wakes up and goes to bed at night, knowing that she is loved deeply and completely. When I was thinking about this letter from my grandfather, I decided to flip through her Bible and read the verses he boxed in. It was so perfect for where we are right now.

"No one will be able to stand against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you. I will never leave you nor forsake you." Joshua 1:5

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid, do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9

Thanks, Grumps. I needed to hear this. I know these words were meant for Hannah on her 18th birthday, but I needed them today. 

Fall is in the air

My goodness, almost 3 months since I last posted. School has started back and we are settling into our routines. I am back to a full time working mom of 5. It's so hard. We are right in the middle of baseball season, our house is always a mess, and I am learning the ropes of my new job at school. Things are SO BUSY.

The last 3 months were so very hard. Hannah's recovery was intense, and I can't tell you how thankful I am that it is now all behind us. For the first 6 weeks, we pretty much stayed home. It hurt her to walk, and she had 2 giant tubes with urine bags attached to the them, strapped to her leg. Every time she walked, her bladder would spasm. We went back to NYC on July 29 for her tube and stent to be removed. I thought this would make everything "all better" but that wasn't the case. Her new healthcare plan was hard for her to learn. It caused her pain and she fought it. My goodness, can that girl fight. She still had one tube left in that served as her "emergency" in case anything went wrong. That tube still caused her to spasm when she walked too much. We weren't expecting that. Things were way better than before, but still not great.

5 weeks later, Hannah had her second tube removed. I was expecting things to get better after that, but nope. It was still hard. BUT, I feel like this weekend she finally turned a corner. For some reason, she just seems stronger to me. Her stamina is returning, she no longer spasms, she isn't in pain when she plays for a long time. The best part is she is done fighting. We can care for her and she welcomes it. She is smiling all the time and I feel like her personality is back. I think we have turned our corner. It has been almost exactly 3 months, and I feel like we have finally made it. We are so ready for life to return to normal, whatever normal really is! Here are a few pictures of Hannah and the other kids.

Hannah waited 3 months to swim! We went to All About Kids for her birthday and she had fun walking around the pool.

Here are the Fischer cousins with Grandma and Grandpa.

I love my girls.

My biggest boy got to pitch his first game. He did an amazing job. It was so fun to watch him strike out so many hitters!

Here is my girl. Completely healed and thriving. We are so very thankful. I can't wait to see what this year will bring her!

Guess what?!?!

Hannah was discharged from the hospital today! At day 9 post op, Hannah was free! This was beyond our wildest dreams. We thought she wouldn't be discharged until Monday, then we would have to stay for a week locally, and not get home until the second week of July. I love surprises like this! We have to stick around NYC until next week and get clearance from the doctor before we can fly home. It is so much nicer for her to lounge around the hotel. I think she is relieved to be out of there! She seemed to turn a corner over the weekend with her pain and mobility... And each hour seemed to get better and better and better!! She was moved out of ICU on Monday and did fabulous with the change. By this time, her personality was back in full swing. She started eating food, went potty like she needed to, was walking (although not well...) and was taking all her meds orally like a champ. From a hospital stand point, there wasn't anything else she needed. She just needs time to heal! We are still struggling with her blood pressure, but hopefully it will come down now that she isn't so stressed in the hospital. We got all her meds and medical supplies and came back to the hotel to chill with our family. Now that we have a light at the end of our tunnel, we are counting down the days until we leave. God continues to protect and provide miracles for our Hannah! 

This was Hannah yesterday. She cried, moaned and groaned the entire time she had to walk. But, as soon as we left today, she walked to the car from the stroller with no issues at all. :) stinker!

OT got her up and playing. She loved these magnetic dress up dolls... Which reminded me I have an entire box of them at home.

Hannah was excited to leave!

In the car on the way back to the hotel. Woohoo! I'm so happy to have all of this behind me. It looks like we will have a month of our summer to play after all!!

Day 5 post op

Here we are 5 days away from surgery. My family made it in town Friday afternoon. Hannah was still in pain this day and not really up for much. The kids had been in the car so much, that rick and I took them to Central Park to run around and get some energy out. They liked climbing the big rocks, but thought the bus ride was boring! Kathy stayed with Hannah through the afternoon and Friday night. Saturday was good for Hannah. It seems like she turned a corner with her pain. They increased her continuos pain meds so that she is getting more through her pump. This has been working! She didn't need Valium at all today and they didn't have to give her any extra pain meds. She was mostly comfortable. PT came today and made her walk around the bed. She hated it, but she did it! She also had her NG tube pulled today. I'm sure that is more comfortable for her. She seems more like herself today. She is interacting more and seems more settled. Hopefully this is our turning point! We are still in ICU because of her blood pressure. Hopefully we will move to the floor on Sunday. 

My kids are so exhausted! Matthew fell asleep on the way to the park. 

I'm so happy to have him with me for a week!

 My little New Yorkers :)

Hannah had a bath tonight and is watching a movie before bed. I'm hoping for a good night!

Day 2 post op, start of day 3

Day 2 post op was fine. She was a little more uncomfortable than the day before. Dr. Alam feels that her bladder is having spasms. They are giving her Valium every 8 hours, but she is still not settled. She is needing a lot more pain meds to take the edge away. She doesn't really like to move around, but it is important for her to start doing it! We played in bed a little bit and she watched a whole lot of tv! It was just a slow day with nothing major to report on. Her NG tube is hardly sucking anything out and the drain in her stomach is also producing close to nothing. These are all great signs. Her urine is becoming less bloody and more like normal urine. The one issue at this point is her blood pressure. We can't get it down. We struggle with her blood pressure anyways, so this is nothing new. She is on 4 different meds for her blood pressure. 2 of them are IV drips, so we are stuck in ICU until these drips can be taken off. At this moment, her blood pressure is where they want it. We just need it to stay like that so we can decrease the drips. I am hopeful that tomorrow is her day to move to the floor. The only  other thing we need to happen is her bowels to wake up! When she starts passing gas, they can start her on liquids. This will be a big milestone for us in the recovery process.

We had a little hiccup in our plans this week. My grandfather passed away Tuesday night and his funeral is on Saturday. We are trying to figure out how to get to the funeral with our family but keep someone with Hannah that can advocate for her needs and is current on her status. Hopefully she will be out of ICU, and a little more stable before the funeral.

This is a little gift she got from Rick's cousin. She had fun playing with her balloon and making a princess purse!

The PT brought her this tiara to bribe her out of bed. It didn't work, but she loved the tiara!

Surgery Update

Hannah's surgery went really well! We were told 12 hours, but then he added the bladder augmentation, so it was scheduled for 14.5 hours. He finished in 11 hours! Things were better than expected and we are thankful for that! He said we got "lucky" with a few things, but I think it was the answer to many, many prayers said for our girl! Hannah had a ureterocele. This is where the ureter comes into the bladder and forms a bubble. Well, Hannah's was horrible. He said it was so big, it was actually falling down into her urethra (which is where you pee). Hannah also had a duplicated ureter, where most people just have one ureter. It turns out that this giant ureterocele was attached to the bad ureter. So, once it was removed, he found that her good ureter was indeed good!!! He did not have to reimplant it! He was excited by this surprise! After seeing her bladder without the ureterocele, he doubted the need for a bladder augmentation. But, based on his experience, he thought it would be safest if he did it. So, her augmentation was small and went well. He did say that if we had not followed his plan and been so aggressive in treating her over the last year, that she would have lost her kidney by now. That means had she not been adopted, she would not have survived. Everything about Hannah has been complicated and specialized. There is no way this could have been treated in China. Hannah had a great night in ICU with a wonderful nurse. She has gotten so much special attention and is resting comfortably. PT was in early this morning and made Hannah sit up for a few minutes. She didn't like it, but she did it. We are well on our way to recovery. Let the countdown begin until we get to go home!

This is a picture of what Hannah had that was causing her body and kidney so much grief. Her ureterocele was HUGE. Dr. Alam said his residents really enjoyed seeing it. Ha! Dr. Alam also said he was excited he got to do this case because it was so different. We were excited he got to do it, too!

This was Hannah before surgery. She was in a great mood!

Tis is Hannah after her 11 hour surgery. We thought she looked pretty good!

Here she is this morning trying to sit up. 

I was reminded of this Bible verse today when I thought about Hannah and her miraculous journey to healing:

He continues to perform miracle after miracle in Hannah. We are so thankful!

New York update!

We have been in NYC since Tuesday. We met with Dr. Alam on Wednesday and actually spent all day at the hospital. We did her renal u/s first, then spoke with Alam, and then he did her urodynamics test. Although Hannah has been healthy (infection free) for the last 9 months, and growing strong, her bladder has worsened. Alam reviewed the u/s before talking to us, and the first thing he said when he saw me was, "we have some work to do." The urodynamics test confirmed what was seen in the u/s, her bladder is losing capacity. So, we added another procedure to our laundry list: Hannah will need a bladder augmentation on Monday as well. Everything else will continue as planned. Her ureterocele will be fixed and her duplicated ureter will be removed. The great news is that this should be it! This will be Hannah's last reconstructive surgery, assuming all goes as planned. :) On a happy note, her remaining kidney is healthy and strong. Her levels are also strong, so for that we are thankful! If we can get this bladder in shape, we will be in business. We had a little hiccup at the hospital. Hannah has a small heart condition and it is still unknown if it is serious or not... Well, it was enough to freak out the anesthesiologist, so at the last minute we had to get clearance from a cardiologist. That took up several hours in our day, but thankfully, all was well. Her heart looks good, and he said the same thing as the other 2 cardiologists: just watch it and consider genetics testing.

The first night here, some of my friends from the adoption community picked us up and took us to dinner in china town. It was fun! It was nice to eat with locals, who knew where to go and ordered all the food. Hannah, my mom, and I gobbled it all up. Delicious! It was also so fun to see sweet Josiah again. I last saw him 2 years ago. He was covered in chicken pox and couldn't go to school. So I played a game with him on his orphanage floor. His family is amazing. We had a great time together, and even got some Chinese ice cream afterwards. Yummy!!! Hannah, of course, was in heaven. They spoke to her in mandarin, and she would respond with head shakes. It appears that she still understands, which I find to be fascinating. I wish we were more aggressive in saving her language. 

We spent the next few days playing around in the city. We went to Central Park and took a carriage ride, went to the children's zoo, had lunch at serendipity, then went to FA0 Schwartz to look around. On Friday, we went to ground zero and visited the World Trade Center memorials, and then walked battery park. We also practiced on the subway, and lets just say we aren't proficient New Yorkers. Good grief, what a complicated system... I am certain a man designed it. ;)

On Saturday, we had brunch and just hung around the room. We ate at EJ's which is a popular choice around here. We got called around 1:00 that our bed was ready, so Hannah and I headed out to the hospital around 3:00.

Our first night in the hospital was a doozy and I was starting to doubt our decision to come here. We do not have a private room, so we get to listen to other people moan and groan in pain. The bathrooms in the room are for patients only, so parents have to cross the building just to PEE!! Also, the shower is in a public waiting room area. I am not diggin that! Then, they wanted to place a picc line in the room. I knew it was a bad idea, but I let them try. They gave Hannah meds to "relax" her but it didn't work. It was a horrible experience, and after several jabs and what felt like forever, I finally asked them to stop. We had 2 failed IV attempts and by this point it was getting late. Hannah, through all of this, had lost her mind and was climbing all over the bed and could hardly walk she was so loopy. The meds caused her to get really hyper, like a bad drunk! One minute she would be crying, then grabbing things in front of her face that weren't there, and then climbing around the bed like a monkey. It was exhausting. I couldn't leave her to get food, so she missed dinner and the next day was liquids only. The hospital couldn't order food, because the order already said liquids only. It was just one bad thing after another, and this whole time our roommate was moaning in pain. A NICU nurse came in at 10:30, hannah was asleep, and said she would only try one time for a stick. I was crying at this point and told her she got ONE try and then we were done until morning. Thankfully, she got it. I went to bed that night reminding myself that we are here for Alam... The only one capable of performing these procedures. I told myself to let it go and toughen up!

Today has been great. I am rebelling and using the bathroom in my room. :) Hannah's IV didn't go bad, and her bowel prep was easy peasy. She was happy and content most of the day. My mom came and sat with her so I could venture back to the Ronald McDonald house and shower. Hannah is in great spirits. She had a shower and took a little walk and went to bed easily tonight. I am hoping we can both rest because tomorrow is a big day! Her surgery is at 8:00 am, so prep will start about 7. I am so nervous but trusting the ONE who made her and who has sustained her. She is with one of the most skilled surgeons in the world. It will just be a nail-biting kind of day as we wait for her to get out of this 12 hour surgery!

Here are a few pictures:

This was Hannah today... Very happy!

There is an ice cream shop across from the RMH. She enjoyed an ice cream cone before we left for the hospital. By the way: RMH is awesome! I will write more about that later.

She needed one of these shirts! We will be frequent visitors to the city to visit with Dr. Alam.

Riding the rails!

Yummy!!! Frozen hot chocolate from serendipity.

Our carriage ride...

Our Chinese dinner... It was so yummy! I love this picture of 2 precious SFCV kids!

Easter 2014

Happy Easter! (Updating my blog is a lot easier with a blogger app!) 

We had a great day and I am happy to announce that I did not have to take Timmy to church in his underwear this year. He wasn't happy with the outfit, but he put it on! Big improvement from last year. My kids had fun eating tons of candy and going on an egg hunt. This was Hannah's first Easter home with us.

One year later...

We made it. The first year of an adoption is always the hardest, and this one was certainly not any different. When I look back over the last year, it is hard to believe that it has been that long, but at the same time, I feel like we have aged and been through so much. 

 

I remember that little girl we met in China. We were thrilled with how healthy she appeared, especially since we knew she had been to hell and back for the better part of her 3.5 years of life. 5 major operations, 2 life threatening infections, several close calls in the hospital where her ayis were told she would not make it....even that skinny and sad child I met in 2012 on a mission trip were not even close to the child that was placed in my arms in April 2013. She was chubby and happy, thanks to the staff at Shepherd's Field. This child that had feared strangers and people for her 3 years in the foster village, came to us with open arms and completely accepted us from the moment she met us. This little girl was so excited to show us her house and her bed, but once she said good-bye that night, she did not want to go back. She knew.

I remember our first night together. She cried. I knew not to take her clothes off or force any new change on her. She fought sleep so bad that night. I had to put goldfish crackers in the middle of the bed, between Rick and I, so she would climb up and sit in between us. She sat up for hours, refusing to sleep, keeping her guard up. I would doze in and out of sleep (after all, I had been awake for over 24 hours at this point!) and notice that she was falling asleep sitting up. She finally, at some point in the night took her shoes off and laid down. She finally gave in.

I remember the fears I had on the flight over. A 24 hour journey across the world, little sleep on a plane, and I was going to get in a car and drive straight to her foster village. Her ayis were going to teach me how to care for her. I worried that I would be too tired and out of it to understand. I worried about the first night, if I would know what to do. I worried about all the medicine we were told to give her, wondering what is was for. I worried about how we were going to travel around China for 2 weeks with Hannah in her current condition. Of course, it was all fine. We survived the first night and our 2 week trip in China.

This year had many ups and downs. Some months I wanted to crawl into a hole and cry, other months I just stood back and watched her in awe as she blossomed and flourished. Most of the hard moments were to due to medical tests that didn't turn out how we wanted, or recoveries that proved to be a bit more challenging than expected. But, at the end of the day, we survived. She loves us and we love her, completely and forever.

We are so thankful and blessed to have this little girl in our life. She has taught us so much. Here is a little girl that has every right to be fearful, angry, and sad. Yet, she is joyful. She loves so big. God certainly protected her spirit and guarded her heart. She loves everything that a little girl should love. She adores princesses, the colors pink and purple, dresses, sparkles, shoes, purses, playing pretend, arts and crafts, taking care of her babies. She doesn't just walk, she prances around the house, spinning and twirling. I am amazed at how her little personality has flourished this year.

Happy gotcha day to our special princess!

April 11, 2013
This is the day we met. I was shocked at how much weight she had gained in 9 months, the last time I saw her.

April 10, 2014
This is my big girl now. Healthy and thriving.

She was laughing at her brothers.

The grass was tickling her feet and she didn't like it!

Wacky Tacky

My little people were excited to have wacky tacky day at school! Daddy was in charge of the outfits. This was a perfect job for him because everything he picks out is normally tacky and does not match! The kids looked forward to this for days. Timmy was just excited to wear his pj pants to school and Emma wanted to be as silly as possible. Hannah did great, but she needed a tutu so her outfit met her princess status.